Itching for blueberries

Lately I’ve had cravings for blueberries. Well to be honest sometimes I’m craving something more like chocolate or sweets, but I figure blueberries are a better choice. So I go to the store and buy a carton and eat about half of it.

After doing this 3 times I realized although I love blueberries, blueberries don’t love me. I pop these sweet treats in my mouth and then about an hour later I start to itch. The first time it didn’t phase me because honestly, I itch quite a bit- sometimes it’s food related, other times it’s health related.  I was out with a friend one day when I wanted blueberries so we picked up a movie and my usual package. Here we were sitting enjoying a movie and I start to itch, and I’m not talking about a little bit of itching. I’m talking about rash itching for the entire length of the movie. Thankfully my friend is pretty used to this kind of weird behavior, but still a night like that is far from great when one person is like a jitterbug on the couch.

Again today the craving came again so I stopped at meijer. Now I’m sitting here with rash lines up and down my legs. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

Going through my itch fest I thought to myself, are blueberries that worth it? There are plenty of things already on my food no-no list that give me adverse reactions, but most of them are worse than itching. So those things somehow seem easier to say no to. But somehow I feel like some itching is worth my small taste of blueberries.

My mind turned to the topic of sin. How often do we suffer through the consequences of sin, knowing it’s bad for us but still doing it over and over again? You would think after you saw the consequences, the guilt, the aftermath you would rethink the next time you are tempted to commit that same sin again, but do we? Sin becomes to us like those sweet blueberries. Unfortunately sometimes the itching reactions we get aren’t enough to make us stop. So what is? What would actually get us to stop committing that sin that we can’t seem to shake? Would it take a broken relationship?  A bad report at the doctors? A job loss? A death? What would finally shake us up enough for us to understand how serious sin is and how detrimental it is to our health?

Too much of a good thing?

I fell in love with rules at a young age. I liked knowing my boundaries- what I could and couldn’t do.

In school I quickly learned that following the rules wasn’t something everyone did. If the teacher were to even look at me with disapproval, I would cower in my chair, but the boys in my class were skilled at breaking rules and when caught they quickly said “Sorry!” with no regret.

In elementary I learned that rules did not make friends. I actually lost plenty because I wasn’t willing to do what they did. But I figured that I would rather be good than be with them.

By the time I reached high school I had a reputation. I was the Christian good girl. A friend and I joked that we were goodie two shoes. We were ok with that, because we thought God liked that.

I can easily say rules have become my friends, and I chose them over many other things.

I chose them over popularity. I had a boyfriend who broke up with me because he said I was too perfect- apparently he didn’t know me very well. On Friday I was at work when someone referred to me as ‘holy.’ Then they added in there that I never do anything wrong.

At one point this would have made me smile, and think I was doing the right things (or at least not doing the wrong ones). Not anymore. Because you know what I’ve come to realize? Rules push people away. Rules don’t make someone approachable. It makes people think I’m more judgmental, self-righteous, better than they are, and that they can’t measure up.

I would never say I’m perfect. As a kid I too often wished I was, but it’s blatantly obvious to me that I am not. Do I follow a lot of the rules? Yes. Do I mess up sometimes? oh yeah, but I’m not one to parade it around- most of us don’t like to have share-and-tell moments about our big screw ups. I’ve come to realize that although God likes that I follow the rules, I am not capable of following every one. God created rules to show us that we will never measure up to them. That’s why we have grace and forgiveness.

So does that mean I’m suddenly supposed start being a ‘bad girl?’ Does that mean I should find the nearest bar and get my fill, start swearing like a sailor, use every illegal drug known to man, and life life on the edge every opportunity I have? No. That’s not who I am, and that’s not who God created me to be. I do believe that when God made me He knew I’d be a rule follower. Even if I wasn’t a Christian, I’m still confident I’d play by the rules. But lately that leaves me feeling like I can’t connect with people who don’t follow the rules. I can’t show Christ’s love when everyone else thinks I’m holy or perfect (even if I’m not). Breaking all the rules doesn’t seem like it would help, it would just make me more of a hypocrite. For some reason this can leave me feeling unreal. I have complete confidence in the woman God created me to be, but how does this good girl reach a lost world?

Maybe I’m focusing on myself too much. It doesn’t matter whether I follow the rules or not, I personally can’t draw people to God. I’m not that captivating or inspiring. God is the one who draws us to Him. It is God working in me whether I am following the rules or not. In Acts 2 when the Holy Spirit makes its first appearance, it says that people were drawn to the disciples. Before, when the disciples were without the Holy Spirit, people weren’t noticing them, but when the Holy Sprit arrives, suddenly all eyes and ears are on them. These weren’t educated, wealthy, or popular men. More like low-lifes and the unlikable- fisherman and tax collectors. Plenty of them had made some big mistakes in life- just look at Peter, and I bet there were some men in the group like me- rule followers. But at that point it didn’t matter whether they had messed up in the past or followed all of the rules. These guys were completely available to God and God worked through them.

That’s my prayer. I’m going to be the only person I know how to be. It’s ok to follow the rules, just don’t make them your idol. And I’m going to rely on the Holy Spirit and the working of God in my life. Little me can’t do anything to impact lives on my own. But in His hands I can whether I’m the so called ‘good girl’ or a ‘bad girl.’

A man who chooses me

We all have desires, some we choose not to share, some we can’t help but share, and others that we hardly know exist but we feel a longing there. Then one day it hits us. How could we have missed it for so long when it seemed to be staring us in the face?

That’s what happened to me. I’m not a girl who prides herself on thinking about marriage or men. There’s more to life then marriage and men, therefore I am going to live life for the many other things. But once in a while something there slips through. We all have this longing to be loved and appreciated. That’s probably why the idea of marriage and relationships can be so captivating to our imaginations. But then we place these relationships on a pedestal. When we place something so high the only place it can go is down. We might first enjoy the climb to it’s highest point, but when it lets us down, boy does that hurt. That’s when I realized a desire in me. It was like a whisper at first, then suddenly it felt like my mind was free. It had finally touched a deep longing.

I want a man who chooses me.

I see all of these women chase after men hoping to captivate them. Because come on, what girl doesn’t want to be found beautifully captivating? But how often does a woman’s charms work? They might work for a little bit, enough to get the attention of a man but for all the wrong reasons. And usually in the end the woman is left wondering- what’s wrong with me?

My desire spoke again: I want a man who chooses me.

I don’t want a man that I happen to like but has to be convinced to like me. That just doesn’t seem right.

I want a man who chooses me.

A man who is willing to set aside his ambitions because he knows I’m worth it. A man who isn’t afraid of a challenge. A man who says- I can’t live without her, so no matter what I do I’m going to make sure that doesn’t happen.

I want a man who chooses me.

And even when I mess up, say the stupidest things, hurt others, him or myself, he still loves me the same.

I want a man who chooses me.

That’s when it hit me. Is there such a man? A man who says: You are perfect just the way you are, and even though the years pass he still firmly believes that.  A man who sees you and is captivated not by external beauty but your mind and heart and soul. A man who says he’s willing to give up his life for the woman he loves. A man who says – even when you mess up so bad it hurts, I choose you.

To wait for such a man sounds like it will only end in disappointment, because he’s going to be just as imperfect as me. That’s when the light bulb turned on.

For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. ~Eph 1:4

You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit. ~John 15:16

You do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. ~John 15:9

For you are a people holy to the LORD your God. The LORD your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession. ~Deut 7:6

I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, ‘You are my servant’; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. ~Is 41:9

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. ~1 Peter 2:9

I am already chosen by one who knows my heart, mind and soul so well that it scares me. And still He loves me unconditionally and is jealous for my love. So many are waiting to be fulfilled in that way but too often this deepest desire is crushed. Many are left wondering- Will anyone love me for me? Will anyone choose me?

But God has already chosen us to be His beloved. We don’t need to anxiously await a person who will tell us that they loves us just the way we are. God has already whispered those words over you.

insert foot into mouth

To put your foot in your mouth means you said something stupid or embarrassing.

Do you know the feeling?

Well here’s the thing about that line- I hate feet. I’m not saying that God made a mistake when He created feet because they are very useful. Besides I’m a dancer, I’m obligated to be thankful for feet. But that doesn’t mean I like them. When someone says feet are pretty I couldn’t disagree more. The idea of a pedicure (even just mentioning it) makes me cringe. Foot massage? No thank you. I think I’ve made my point.

Now the whole stick your foot in your mouth, that certainly makes that idiom even more disgusting to me. But I know the feeling well. And just like the thought of a person sticking their foot in their mouth makes me cringe so do those times I feel like I opened my big mouth and should have just kept it shut.

Solomon truly had something going when he said:

The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint.

Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues.

The wise measure their words. 

Those who guard their lips preserve their lives, but those who speak rashly will come to ruin.

Do you see someone who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for them.

Those words surely give you a feeling of guilt after opening your mouth when you should have kept it closed. The thing about words- once they are out, you can’t take them back.

So take it from a person who wishes they could take some back- don’t speak them unless they are filled with grace, truth, and love.

Ice Cream Cake

I suppose working at Cold Stone for as long as I have can come in handy for some reasons. Besides the fact I have some manly forearms (that my chiropractor has to regularly crack), and I know how to make a mean banana split (minus a banana boat), I can also make a decent ice cream cake.

I know there are plenty of people who love Cold Stone ice cream cakes. I also know there are people who wish they could make one for themselves. That’s what this blog post is about- Step-by-step instructions. But warning- to make an ice cream cake you need plenty of prep time (more specifically freezing time). So if you are a person who doesn’t like to wait or you have no freezer space- you’re probably better off going to Cold Stone for a cake.

I will give a guide of how to make an 8 layer Peanut Butter Ice Cream Cake (note Cold Stone cakes are normally 4 layers I just like to go a little over the top). I didn’t follow a recipe just used my experience and creativity. So if you don’t like peanut butter or want to try a different ice cream, cake or filling. Go for it! Only tip on fillings: Caramel is to thin, and fudge is on the boarder, it can leak out the side. Fruit layers work well.

What you will need:

Spring-form pan. (We actually don’t use spring-forms at Cold Stone but we also de-pan cakes with hot water. If you have a high powered freezer, you can do that. If you have a normal one like me, you will just have a melted cake so go with a spring-form pan.)

Plastic Wrap

Cake (I had yellow)

1/2 gallon of ice cream (I had reese’s ice cream)

Peanut butter (about a 1/2 a jar)

Bettercream (Note: it’s not buttercream but bettercream) You can buy this at Gordons or large portions at Sams. More on this later.

Decorations for the outside- up to your creativity

Here is how you start:

Cook a cake ahead (I did two 9 inch pans). After baked place in freezer until fully frozen.

The next day I began to assemble the cake. Take out your 1/2 gallon of chosen ice cream and let soften until it is almost completely melted.

Start with placing 2 long pieces of plastic wrap on a countertop so that they crisscross (one goes horizontal, the other vertical).

Then place your spring form pan on top of the plastic. The plastic will help catch any leakage from the pan and will wrap your cake later.

Place your first layer of ice cream in the pan (I did thin layers. Cold stone does thick ones. It’s all up to you.). Make sure your ice cream is almost completely melted. If it isn’t quite spreadable: place a large metal spoon in water and rub across the ice cream to smooth it out.

Then take one of your cakes (frozen) and cut it in half. Freezing your cake is the easiest way to cut it, otherwise it will probably fall apart. Place one half of the cake on top of the ice cream.

Next you will need about a 1/2 cup of peanut butter. Warm it up in the microwave for about 30 seconds.

With a spoon or spatula spread a thin layer of peanut butter over the cake and top it with another layer of ice cream.

Then place your 2nd half of cake on top.

Repeat previous steps 2 more times (peanut butter layer, ice cream layer, cake. repeat).

Your pan should be overflowing, but that’s ok. It should end up looking like this:

Then wrap it up!

Freeze overnight. (make sure cake is in a level position in the freezer or it will come out lopsided).

Next day: Frosting!

Use Bettercream frosting. A whip cream frosting may work, but I trust Bettercream. You can buy a small container of it at Gordons:

This kind will need to be whipped with beaters until thick. You can also buy large already made bettercream at Sams.

Pour your cream in a bowl and beat until thick (kind of like whip cream consistency).

Next, unwrap your frozen cake, and take a serrated knife to cut around cake and pan. Open up the pan and you will have your cake. Take away the outside rim.

Now to make your cake a little prettier I like to place it on a nice plate, but since I didn’t have a really attractive plate large enough I made a cake round like we have a cold stone. It consists of an old cardboard pizza round wrapped in tin foil. Makes presentation so much better!

Top cake with a large amount of whipped buttercream. Then place a small divot in the middle so you can spread out the icing from the middle.

To cover the cake with frosting use a large flat knife. First do a portion of the top and then add large amounts of icing on the side and spin cake around. Scrape off access until smooth.

Freeze again. If you take too long to frost the cake, the ice cream might start to melt on you so be careful. Take back out of the freezer as soon as you think the ice cream is firm again.

Now use your creativity to decorate. Since this was for my brother who loves anything peanut butter I used reese pieces along the side and top. Cold Stone uses a lot of chocolate shavings and graham pie crust around the side. If you want to do that, place your knife under the cake, and slide your hand under the cake to hold. Have a plate of shavings or crust nearby and with the cake slightly tilted in your hand pat the crumbs around the cake.

I also put leftover bettercream in a decorating bag and decorated the top so in the end it looked like this.

I added a little fudge to the top (which I had to make out of chocolate chips since we were out). That was my finishing touch.

Don’t forget to keep frozen until 5 minutes before cutting.

And this was the happy birthday boy.

Everyone loved the cake. The frozen peanut butter is like peanut butter fudge layers, and since there wasn’t as much ice cream in it as the typical Cold Stone one, it wasn’t quite as rich. My grandma was oohing for days over the cake, so if you want to switch up your next birthday cake here is my suggestion

When words aren’t there

Ever felt like your head and heart were so full that they could just about burst from the pressure? But if someone were to ask you what is overwhelming you, you can’t quite put it to words. Maybe you know, but words don’t seem to do it justice.

I came across this Scripture today:

The moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves.. and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. (Romans 8:27)

Sometimes it can feel lonely when no one else knows what you are feeling or knows the road you are traveling. But God knows everything. He knows the exact emotions we are having, what is our greatest worry and anxiety. He knows those feelings so well that when we can’t utter a word to pray about them, His Spirit does it for us. I think God knew from the start that when we are at our lowest point, we wouldn’t be able to put to words our prayers. So He said- I’ll do it for you. How comforting to know that God not already knows what is overwhelming our hearts and minds but that He also has it already under control. So take comfort friends when your head feels like it my explode and your heart is on the verge of breaking. He already knows, and the Spirit who knows us better than we know ourselves will bring our burdens to the hands of the Father and the feet of Jesus.

Who I could have been

Sometimes I stop to think about how my life could have been….

I like who I am… not to say that there aren’t things I need to work on (because there’s quite a list). But I think about who I am compared to who I could have been.

Because if I didn’t have Jesus in my life, I’m afraid of who I would be or look like. With Christ in my life I have confidence I know I wouldn’t have otherwise. I’m almost positive I would be one of the many girls searching for who she is, longing for people’s approval, and searching for something that would satisfy me momentarily.

I come across as a pretty happy person. I’ve had numerous people ask me if I ever don’t smile- there are definitely plenty of times I’m not smiling. Even at work, if I am busy doing something, sometimes people ask me if something is wrong- I’m assuming because I’m not my joyful self. Some would be pretty surprised that as a little girl I was shy and reserved and not very joyful. My middle name is Joy but I got to a point in my life that the name really didn’t fit me. I remember my mom giving me a rock when I was about 8 years old. Engraved in the rock was the word “Joy.” She wanted me to put that rock in a place to remind myself that God has given me joy. I remember how that word hit me- joy? I didn’t have that? At the time, I said I had Jesus in my life. I had even made life decisions that many grown-ups never want to make for the sake of my relationship with God, but I somehow hadn’t experienced what it meant to let God permeate my life. Now I think I’ve learned what that’s like. I have joy- joy that I often can’t contain, joy that is sometimes called contagious, joy that makes my life worth living. But I know without a relationship with Jesus I would not have this joy. I would be searching for it… unsuccessfully. Sometimes I get glimpses of what I would look like- and that is a self-conscious, empty, depressed girl.

I am far from the woman I want to be or the woman I know God longs for me to be. But I have seen change, and I have seen the difference Jesus has made in my life. I have confidence- confidence that I sometimes question where it comes from. I have strength- strength beyond my human capabilities to endure things I know would otherwise tear me apart. I have security- security in who I am and who I can be. I have joy- joy that can’t be contained or hidden. I, like many woman don’t always feel satisfied with the woman I see in the mirror (physically, emotionally, or spiritually) but I know that who Christ created me to be and the woman He has molded me into is a miracle in itself. When I see glimpses of what could be I can’t help but trust God more and look forward to how he will mold me in the future.

‘Trying’ to shine

Ever woken up in the night and found yourself in such total darkness that you can’t see anything? -Not a silhouette or a hint of light. It’s a weird feeling to wave your hand in front of your face and not see a flicker of it’s image. Then you notice that there’s no difference between your eyes open from closed.

Ever tried to walk around in that kind of darkness? I think I know my house like the back of my hand but when you can’t see anything, walls and doors seem to unexpectedly get in your way. You find yourself bumping around running into things that you’re familiar with in the daytime. You reach your hand toward the wall, pat around searching for the light switch. You finally find it, flick it on, and then there’s that moment of adjustment where you squint trying to find that happy place between darkness and too much light.

We could all walk around like that, because as Ephesians 5 says: “We were once in darkness.” And often times we get so comfortable with the darkness that we’re never able to adjust to light. But when God enters our life we also become light.

I often find myself saying, “God I want to be a light for you!” But then I get stuck. How do I do that? How does one actually shine a light?

Sometimes I don’t think I shine anything. I try to be like Christ, do what God has called me to do, but how do I shine differently than the next person? There are plenty of good people who do good things just like me, but I don’t just want to be good. But maybe that’s all others see. They see a person who obeys the rules at works and treats other people with respect, but how am I different from the Buddhist girl at work or the guy who grew up in a Christian home but abandoned that life? They also follow the rules and treat others with respect. Where does the light part come in?

So I ask God: “I want to be a light for you. How do I do it?”

I was reminded today of the purpose of the moon. Does the moon really have a purpose? All it does is reflect light from the sun. All it has to do is be in a position so that the sun can shine on it.

A moon sits up in the sky and I marvel at it’s beauty, all because it stands out so clearly in comparison to its dark surroundings. But honestly it’s beauty comes from the light, not from itself. If it weren’t for the light it reflects, we wouldn’t even see it.

As Ephesians puts is- “You are a light.” Plain and simple. No getting around that. If you are called a child of God, you are a light. It’s doesn’t say: ‘you can be a light’ or ‘you could be a light.’ No,’you are a light.’ The only part that comes after that is whether you choose to walk as a light. That’s where the hypocrisy issue comes in. Christians are a light, but they don’t always choose to walk as a light. They opt for darkness. No wonder we are confusing the world! We are all essentially lights, but half of us know it and act like it and others just do their own thing stumbling around as if they can’t see.

I try to be the light God calls me to be but ‘trying’ to be a light isn’t how it works. It’s all about being in a position where God’s light shines on you. We have to put ourselves out there for God so we can soak up his light and that light can reflect off of us. And just like a moon who’s beauty comes because of its contrast to the darkness around us we shine- not because of what we ‘try’ to do (although trying isn’t all that bad) but it’s where we choose to be with God. If we choose to hide, we will stumble around like fools (or hypocrites)… or we can put ourselves in the position so that we can shine.

Eternity

Eternity makes my head hurt.

But somehow I still get caught up in my life right now. Ever had a moment where life just seems to be passing you by? Maybe it’s because of a death, or a birthday, or maybe time seems to be flying.

For that one moment you realize that this moment; this life is so short. This very breath you breath will only last for so long, and then after that what?

How I see it- everything. Some of us will be blessed to live 70 or 80 years, maybe 90, or even 100. That is supposed to be a long time; a long life. But what is 100 years in light of eternity? Especially 100 years when you don’t have your right mind the whole time?

That’s when my mind starts reeling and I’m trying to grasp this thing we call eternity. We have finite minds. We expect there to be an ending to everything, even that ending is a difficult one. But what would we do if there was no ending, just a new perfect beginning that goes on forever? Suddenly everything else is put into perspective- none of this matters in comparison to what’s after we die. If we finally let our minds think about the vastness of eternity maybe we will stop being so concerned with the small things in life and focus on preparing ourselves for what will one day last forever.

Potentiality

I remember a song I sang as a kid:

“I am a promise. I am a possibility. I am a promise, with a capital ‘P.’ I am a great big bundle of potentiality!”

I joyfully sang those words, but ‘potentiality’- I had no clue what it meant. I just thought it was fun to say.

Recently I’ve been watching a show about a dancer- a dancer who is said to have potential. She doesn’t have the experience, the training, the precision, or skill, but it’s the potential that keeps this dancer in the greatest dance academy, and blossoming as she finds her talent.

Ever had someone tell you that they see potential in you?

Potential-capable of being or becoming something beautiful, something wonderful, something extraordinary, something no one else has been.

That’s what God says? We doubt ourselves, say we aren’t good enough, and we don’t measure up. But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it (Eph 4), and gifts- each of a different nature. We are each so uniquely different that there is potential in each of us to be something special. That doesn’t mean that we have more potential that another person or more or less gifts that someone else. To each grace has been given, and each person has a received a gift- A gift that when added to the body of Christ makes it complete. What if each of us lived to our true potential? Even if we think we are the smallest part of the body- like a pinky toe, without a pinky toe the body limps. We’re each as important as the next piece. Too often we listen to lies that we can’t reach a potential, or that we don’t have potential. Here the body is limping along because we wish we were an eye or a lung, but a pinky toe that tries to be an eye or a lung looks foolish playing a part it wasn’t meant to, and it certainly doesn’t have potential in that area. But you and I were created unlike anyone else to be a part of the body to use the grace and the gifts that God has given. God looks at each of us and say “You have potential.” When we catch a glimpse of the potential He sees in us our outlook on life changes forever.