Losing Hope

I struggle with hope. I look around and see starvation, sickness, murder, abuse, rape and war.

I see people who settle for less than they should and a generation with a future that terrifies me. I see people with little to no morals, women who run to anything that will make them feel adequate and loved, and men who would rather sit down then step up.

I look around and I wonder -What will come of all of this? When 16,000 children die every day from hunger related causes, when 35,000 people have AIDS, and the number of women a part of sex trafficking is so large and hidden, we can’t even make an estimate to how many lives are being abused.

What I have learned from all of this is we are incapable of making hope on our own. We try, but God is the one who creates hope and gives.

Right now we are in the middle of a political debate. We have a president who’s face was printed on blue and red signs reading one word.  ’Hope.’ This post is not a political debate at all. But when I first saw those signs I thought- that’s a big word. ‘Hope.’ Not in length but in meaning. To say you will bring hope to a nation is a very high reaching goal, because we need hope everywhere, and to each person hope means something different. Some people claim hope is better jobs. Some in lower gas prices. Some in a better education system. Some in better health benefits. And some in social security. I say hope covers all of those and way more.

Sometimes hope is just one thing to us. For the man who lost his job, hope is having a job to provide for his family. For the woman with cancer, hope is getting a good report at the doctor. For the kid who lives in poverty, hope is going to college (or just making it through high school). Those are big things to tackle, but those are just a few because we are always in need of hope in our country. But the rest of the world is also in desperate need of hope.

Each life on this planet… can you even fathom that?… that’s a lot of people… we all need hope. Hope on a daily basis.

I say I struggle with hope when I see a decline in our lifestyles and choices. I lose hope in my generation who thinks hope can only be attained through self-fulfillment. Then I ask God- what are you going to do about all of this? What are You going to do with your people who turn their backs on You? What are You going to do about the many broken families and abandoned children? What are You going to do about everyone’s overwhelming selfishness? What are You going to do about all the evil? What are you going to do about starvation and poverty, the sex trade, war, and murder?

He is doing something. We think if God were really doing something we would see the affects. Trust me on this- if God wasn’t moving we would be in way worse condition. God’s power could change this country and our world, but that’s not how He works. There is a day that He will wipe all of this clean. Until then He asks that we don’t give up on hope. Because everyday He gives hope, grace, and forgiveness. For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently (Rom. 8:24-25). God says: Don’t give up on Hope. It’s here. Come be a part of it.

 

(Lent Week 2: Attribute of God: Hope)

Turn down the music

I’m a musician. A lover of music. And I have a constant flow of music going through my head. Even when you turn down the music, my mind’s still spinning with notes and lyrics. Escaping it is nearly impossible. But what if we didn’t have recorded music at our every disposal? What if it wasn’t in our cars or on our phones? What if mp3 players, itunes, pandora, and every kind of music player didn’t exist?

I can’t imagine it, because music seems to be everywhere. As a worship leader I tell myself I can’t live without music. I need to have my constant fill of it for inspiration… but maybe that’s just my excuse to avoid the silence.

So I tried it. I turned the radio off in my car. Even as I drive down the road I keep instinctively reaching for the volume. 45 minute drives to work are a lot different without music. But honestly, these drives aren’t any quieter. My mind has taken over, and my thoughts are finally finding room to breathe.

I’ve come to realize that every time I turn up my music I’m really covering up the thoughts in my head- blocking them out with noise so they can’t be heard. But where does that get me? Every time those thoughts come to mind, instead of dealing with them, confronting them, or banishing them, I just turn up my music. Music is my escape. My crutch. It’s the place I run to instead of God. Bad day? … Turn up the music! Hurt by someone’s words?… Turn up the music! Overwhelmed with worries, fears, and the lies that take hold of my heart? … Turn up the music! Because music blocks out having to deal with what needs attention.

I say music is my therapy. Sometimes it can be that. I say it makes me feel better but only because it covers up the bigger issues that I don’t want to deal with. I say the lyrics encourage me, but do they actually heal?

I love music. And I see the good in it. But as they say- Too much of a good thing… isn’t really such a good thing. I’m realizing that music gets in the way of the thoughts in my head that Jesus needs control of. Instead of dealing with them and giving them to God, I cover them up with some lovely melodies. It’s a quick fix, but it doesn’t last.

When I turn down the music I realize what I’ve been trying to cover up. I find what God has been trying to get me to hand over. I realize that turning down the music is just step one.

Jealous Love

We are taught as children that jealousy is bad. We should share, be generous, and not selfish. But then there comes a fine line.

I picture the jealous husband or boyfriend.

Then I try to picture God. They say He’s a jealous God.

A jealous God means that He wants you. He is willing to fight for you. He thinks you are deserving of Him. And more than that- He thinks you are so deserving that He doesn’t want you to have anything less than Him.

Then I think- “Me?” …. “Are you really talking about me?”… “Did you forget who I am?.. “The girl who messes up…. the girl who has failed you countless times… the girl who loves You yet still stumbles in love, still runs the other direction, still forgets.”

Why would God be jealous for me?

Sometimes love is a confusing thing. We just can’t understand it. When I look God’s jealous love, I add it to my list of things I don’t understand.

We can admit our obvious imperfections, but that doesn’t make Him love us less. He already knows them all, and still He is jealous for us. Does that blow your mind like it does mine?

This is what takes my breath away- I have a jealous God who is in love with me. That means He is willing to fight for my love. That means He will shake me up sometimes just to get my attention because He loves me. It means He pursues me even though- to put it bluntly- we are like prostitutes who turn everywhere but to God for love.

I’m overwhelmed. I can’t imagine a God who loves me with a jealous love even after seeing all the things I try to cover up and hide from everyone else.

That is not a love I’m familiar with in this world.

It’s a love too good to be true.

 

 

(Lent Post: Week One. Attribute of God: Jealous)

Running with attributes

I have a new treadmill in my basement (well semi-new). The past couple weeks I cringe every time I think about using it. So I decided to put off my runs and just do a fast paced walk. Today I wasn’t going to put it off. The 20 minutes prior to my run I always try to set a goal, but usually this is what my mind is doing: Let’s just do a 6 min fast run. No breaks. Well maybe 5…. Well 5 really isn’t that much…. and neither is 6. But I’m tired at 6. Man, I really don’t want to run 6 mins. I really don’t want to run at all. Maybe I could just walk 6 mins. Well that seems silly. Why did I buy a treadmill to walk for 6 mins? I’m going to run. And I’m going to run for at least 10 mins. If I need to walk for a minute to catch my breath. That’s ok.

Unfortunately the compromises I make in my head closely resemble my walk with God. Sometimes I get on a high with my running. All I want to do is run, but then the high wears off. Same can happen in my walk with God, but you have to keep moving, even if you aren’t in the mood.

Now that you know my relationship with my treadmill, you’ll understand how today was a feat of itself. Not only did I run further than I had planned, but I did it without a tv or music. I like to think that the tv or music keeps me going when in reality, the tv just makes me want to sit and watch the show without bobbing up and down on a treadmill, and the music just makes me wish the song was over. Running without any noise but my breathing and the hum of the treadmill sounds pretty crazy. However, I was going to use the time to my advantage. I wasn’t going to focus on running. I was going to focus on God. Whatever that meant.

As I stepped on my treadmill and started my usual routine a word just came to mind. Faithful.

Then another word. Gracious.

Followed by more words. Redeemer. Slow to anger. Jealous. Holy.

As the each word was tossed out there, my mind would reel and make a connection to the word. Before I knew it, time was flying by and I wasn’t focusing on my tired body or my staggered breathing.

I realized I don’t take enough time to focus on the attributes of God, and yet there are so many attributes that a short run can’t even begin to touch how great God is. As I showered after my run these words were still close to my heart, and it felt good. I need that. I need to get away from the thoughts in my head and focus on who God is, not who I am. When I see who God is, everything else just falls into place.

So in light of Lent, I am not going to just give up some things. My goal is to add something to them. I’m going to add some good thoughts to my day. My goal is to post a blog about one attribute of God that has stuck out to me each week. Maybe this will enlighten you as well, and hopefully it turns my focus from myself to God.

My dilemma with Lent

Here’s my problem with Lent… (Honestly I don’t even think it qualifies as a problem… more like a dilemma). Last night I was sitting at an event that talked about Lent, and earlier that day I had been sitting at my desk at church trying to figure out how Lent should effect the flow of the services I was planning. Lent is all about repentance and renewal and analyzing where you are at with God in your life. It’s a time to give up things we don’t necessarily need, and gaining things that aren’t measurable in this world’s standards.

That is where my problem lies. Last night as I was listening to all of the suggestions of things you can do for Lent, I noticed myself going- I should do that…. That would be a good thing for me to do…. That sounds like fun!… I really should give up that.

They talk about the spiritual gift of silence. It sounds like something I should do, because I only do for short parts of my drive to work and back, not near enough time to actually feel the impact.

They talk about fasting. Well the fasting from food is off my list of options since I have such a few amount of foods that I can actually eat (at least that’s one less thing to consider). But there are plenty of other fasts I could do. Facebook, movies, tv, etc.

Or I could do the opposite of a fast like I did last year. Last year I tried to find something new and interesting about Lent everyday. Maybe this year I should read more each day from a study book. Or maybe I should add an extra time of prayer scheduled into my day.

They talk about the spiritual gift of giving. That’s right up my alley especially since I love to give. And I’ve noticed lately that I’m pretty protective of my money and controlling where it goes. It would be a good idea to use it to bless others. They talked about the ‘secrecy of giving.’ Oh I love that idea. It means you choose to do something- like give someone money, send someone flowers, or a card. No name. No expectation for a thank you or a response back and just you and God know about it. But then what would be my secret gift to others and who would I give it to??

And there lies my problem… While assessing my life I realized there is so much I can and should do to become closer to God. Choosing one… or two things might be a step towards being the woman God desires to see me be, and that’s my number one goal. But where to start? Where should all of us start, because I have a feeling I’m not the only out here who only has an addiction to one thing, or has time management skills, or doesn’t give enough, pray enough, read enough, or stay silent enough. Lent just seems to be a start. And for us, it seems to be a big thing. We struggle to give up one thing when we know there is much more we can do. I guess starting is the important step. Now I have to figure out where God wants me to start…

Worst break up ever

I’ve heard some pretty bad break up stories. The kind that sound like they came out of a movie. The stories that make you cringe.

This may be one of the worst…. Here’s the story:

Sam was married…. well almost. He was engaged. Sam was attracted to the bad girl- the kind your parents say “Her? really? Isn’t there another girl you’d be interested in?” The perfect Romeo & Juliet setting. So when they have a big wedding party, alliances are torn. Without going into all the details the bride-to-be ends up in tears for the 7 day party. Sam gets in a fight with his soon-to-be-bride’s friends and family. The wedding never happens, but this wasn’t one of those ‘part ways’ on ‘good terms’ break-ups. Sam’s groom’s man and the bride ran off together.

Putting it lightly, Sam had a hard time with this, and some anger issues too. Anyone who’s gone through a break up or watched someone go through one knows that a person can make some rash and regrettable decisions. Sam would be a good example of that. He decided to start a massive fire to burn all of his former fiance’s friends and family’s land. And of course your Romeo-Juliet romance has to end with someone dying. That would be the former fiance… and her father. Since Sam was MIA, his enemies had to blame someone for the fire. Now Sam and this family were definitely on worse terms then before.

Sam then goes for a rebound girl. You’d think Sam would have learned from his last mistake and gone for a good girl this time, but no. Again he was attracted to the mysterious girl in enemy territory. Already you can tell this isn’t going in a good direction. Sam’s enemies found out about his secret fling with his mysterious girl. Maybe we can blame Sam’s vulnerability to this lady’s charm and deceit on his relationship history, but once again the woman Sam trusted put Sam into the hands of his enemies. Those enemies didn’t kill him. I think they did worse. They humiliate him and take out his eyes. No longer will he lay eyes on a beautiful woman.

If this story doesn’t sound familiar, it’s my modern rendition of Samson’s story in the Bible- One of the strongest men ever written about who was continually in arguments and fights with the Philistines. While reading this story I was struck with how this story definitely tops the list of break up stories I’ve heard, partly because of the facts above. Who wouldn’t have a hard time getting over 2 break-ups of deceit, death and humiliation like that? But that’s not the only reason it tops my break up list.

After all of this goes down, there’s 1 line at the end that makes this one of the worst break-ups I know. But he [Samson] did not know that the LORD had left him.

Samson had the greatest secret gift against his enemies- his strength found in his promise to God to never cut his hair. But a woman got between him and God. Definitely not the first time that’s happened, by both women and men. This wasn’t just about a haircut. It’s about how Samson chose his own selfish desires over his promise to God, so God gives Sam what he wants- his space. This isn’t to say that God gives up on us. Because He never does, and if you read the rest of Samson’s story you’ll see how God used Samson to defeat His enemies, no eyes and all.

One thing I have learned- break ups are hard. It doesn’t matter if it’s a break-up in high school, in a friendship, or a divorce. Break ups hurt. But even in light of those very difficult things, I know a break up with God is far worse than all of them. When a relationship falls apart I know I can turn to God. I can’t imagine the position Samson found himself in after his 2 lovers turned against him and even God had left him.

A lesson to all of us, don’t let a lover get in the way of our relationship with God. That could be an actual lover, a job, a hobby, money, or a dream. Don’t settle for less than God. He’s the most important relationship to hold onto.

The Vow

I have been anxiously waiting for the movie “The Vow” to come to theaters. Today I finally found my day to see it. I sat in my squishy over-sized theater seat as I watched the story unfold of a married couple who gets in a car accident. The wife is left with severe brain injuries, and upon waking she doesn’t remember her husband.

You can’t help but feel bad for the wife- Paige because she’s obviously confused when she can’t remember the last few years. She doesn’t know what to think or feel anymore, but the person who I most sympathize with is the man. Leo is there through the whole ordeal, and its amazing how he holds himself together even though it’s obvious that every struggle with Paige is tearing him apart. Still He never stops showing her his love.

Suddenly I realized something. Leo is like God. And I’m that wife. Or to put it in other terms. Leo is like God, and the wife is the rest of us.

Leo & Paige seemed to have the perfect love story. Then comes the car accident. Here’s where the faithful hero comes in, because Leo is never far from Paige’s side even when he realizes she doesn’t know who he is. He’s consistently there, caring for her and showing her the most love he possibly can. It’s obvious to everyone except Paige. Or maybe she can see it but can’t embrace it. Leo tries to remind Paige of what they once had, but it doesn’t matter what he does or how hard he tries, Paige has a wall up that Leo can’t break through. All he can do is love her. When that’s not enough, he let’s her go.

I don’t want to ruin this movie for anyone who hasn’t seen it, but I can’t exactly guarantee that (besides it’s your typical chick-flick: the ending is usually pretty predictable).

Paige and Leo are living separate lives while Paige tries to find herself. Leo goes on with his life but it is obvious Paige still holds his heart.

I wanted to scream at Paige to give Leo a chance so she could see what they were. Then I realized that’s me. I’m the one who easily steps away from the amazing romance I have with God. He’s provided me with everything I’ve ever needed. He’s been with me through the good and hard stuff. He’s let me cry to Him for hours and has brought me my greatest laughs, smiles, and ultimate joys. But for some crazy reason I sometimes wander off. I try to find something to complete me when I know in all reality I only feel complete when I’m with  Him. And I don’t even have an excuse like amnesia! I can blame it on sin, the devil, or the turn of events in my life. But in reality- it’s my fault.

Sometimes God let’s go. Just like Leo had to. It doesn’t mean He loves us any less. But God will never force us to love Him. So He waits…. and waits… and waits for the day we will come back to him. Who knows how long that can take.

When He says He loves us it’s like a marriage vow, but He takes it more seriously than we take marriage. He won’t divorce us. He’ll let us wander. He’ll watch as we shamelessly throw ourselves at other lovers, but He still stays. Can you grasp that? I hurt for Leo in this movie because I watched His heart being crushed every time Paige pushed Him away. Don’t think it doesn’t hurt God when we push Him away or choose something over Him. He sees it all. Imagine watching your lover throwing themselves at everything but you. I still can’t get over the kind of love He has. It’s unconditional. It never fails. Even when we run away and forget. He doesn’t. He still showers us with love hoping we will notice and love in return.

Eye Contact

They say eye contact is one of the most important elements to making a great speech. I remember preparing for first speech in 5th grade. The number of times the teacher mentioned ‘eye-contact’ was far too many times to count. Maybe my teacher knew how difficult eye contact was for a 5th grader- to stand in front of their peers, look them in the eye, and speak boldly on a topic. Looking at the average 5th grader, I would assume that is probably quite true. Even the average adult has a difficult time looking the people they know in the eye and telling them their honest opinion. Let’s just say eye-contact wasn’t my problem when it came to making my speech in 5th grade. My well-rehearsed speech was so close to memory that I zipped through a well detailed 6-ish minute speech in probably less than 3. I met the time limit, but had no idea that hardly anyone could follow a word I said until I had to watch myself on camera. Oh boy.

Well that’s another story. Back to eye contact. I have watched my fair share of people give a speech who have the whole ‘eye-contact’ thing down, and others who don’t. But what really catches me off guard are people who have good eye contact during a conversation. I’m not talking about what Seinfeld refers to as ‘closer-talkers.’ I’m talking about good authentic, genuine, sincere eye contact. It’s kind of like when someone asks you are how you are doing and they don’t just say it as a greeting, but generally want to know. It catches people off guard.

A perfect example- I would guess it to be Jesus- a persuasive man, great at speeches in front of large crowds, and he had a way of getting right to the point with a person who had their guard up. I have no biblical reference here, but from the people’s reactions I’m assuming Jesus has some amazing eye-contact.

The Bible doesn’t talk much about Jesus’ appearance. They do mention that he wasn’t what people would call ‘attractive.’ I don’t believe he looked like those pictures we see of him. Long, wavy, golden brown hair (with maybe a few highlights here and there). Spotless, ageless skin. Thin, but muscular. And don’t forget those blue sparkly eyes. Even without knowing what Jesus looked like I believe his eyes could hold a crowd in suspense. For some reason I imagine Jesus’ eyes conveyed his character. They showed tenderness, compassion, love, confidence, passion, and sincerity…

I think of the children who came running to Jesus. If you know kids well you know there has to be a spark for a group of them to run to a stranger. I’m sure these kids had heard stories, but was there something in Jesus’ face that beckoned those children to Him? I imagine Jesus with a couple kids on his lap, all vying for his attention, and a spot close to this man. Unlike the many adults of that day, Jesus gave those kids his complete and undivided focus. I’ve been around kids enough to know that they have stories, and boy can they talk. I can just picture those kids telling Jesus their silly stories that don’t make much sense, but I don’t think Jesus’ eyes ever left their face, and those kids felt a connection.

I think of the woman at the well. I imagine that she was captivated by Jesus’ eyes. Not because they were beautiful or blue, but because he looked her in the eye and when he spoke his eyes matched what his mouth was saying. She like the many others who were basically shunned from society finally felt the joy of being appreciated and cared for.

One of my favorites scenes is when Jesus goes to Mary in the garden. She doesn’t recognize him after his resurrection, but something caught her attention.  Maybe it was they way he said her name or looked at her. I think he had a way of not just looking at a person but looking into a person- seeing their heart, seeing their brokenness, seeing what they could be.

I can’t see His eyes, but I can imagine them. Captivating. Encouraging. A glimpse of Love. I think my 5th grade teacher was right when she told us eye contact was one of the most powerful tools a person has. As they say- The eyes are a window to the soul. Imagine looking into the soul of Jesus Himself.

One thing

It all ends with one statement…

You still lack one thing.

This one line from Luke has been nagging me this week.

A strong, confident, well-off, righteous man comes to Jesus and asks what must he do to enter the Kingdom of God. Jesus goes over the list.  Follow the commandments. Basically: follow the rules.

Well a lot of us have that down pretty well. We would say we are pretty good Christians when it comes to that, just like this man says he is. But then here comes that final statment again:

You still lack one thing.

What if that man were me? I could see myself asking the same question. I think this man honestly wanted to do good. He wanted to be what God wanted Him to be, but he was still holding onto some things too tightly- his money.

So now I’m asking myself that question- What is the one thing I lack? What am I still holding on to? What can’t I seem to give up?

You still lack one thing.

Chasing after fruit

Who wouldn’t take an extra ounce of wisdom? It could help in making decisions. Or  handling that issue at work. Or help us get along with that one person that we have the greatest difficulties with. Every bit of wisdom we can get could go a long way.

Is that what Eve was really looking for in the garden? One day, out of the blue appears a reptilian creature- unlike any creature she’s seen before. He brings her attention to that tree in the middle of the garden- the one she’s forbidden to eat from. Why would its fruit tempt her? With how often food is mention in the Bible, I think the Garden of Eden was like a buffet with the best of everything, and maybe, just maybe those wonderful fruits never rotted or went bad. So why would that one tree be so thrilling?

Some say because- “The grass is always greener on the other side.” Perhaps. But I’m going to go off of what that serpent said. He didn’t allure Eve to the tree by telling her how beautiful it was, or how tasty its fruit was. He turned the subject from food to knowledge and wisdom.

According to the serpent: God knows that when you eat from the tree your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.

So is that what got Eve?

How often have we tried this same plan? – To be a step ahead of God -To make our own path when we don’t like His, and do things our way because we think we know best. Sometimes that means- we go to the one friend who we know will back up our decision. Your mom, sister, wife and all of your friends tell you otherwise, but you still go with that one person’s opinion. Sometimes it means- we are called to go somewhere, but we go the other direction. Or we do the opposite. We are warned to not go to a certain place, but we can’t resist the temptation of breaking the rules. Just of like Eve.

If only Eve could have known Solomon’s wisdom when he said: The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge.

God walked in that garden with Eve so she could have just asked God for the wisdom she longed for. That’s all Solomon did, and God gave him His request. But I there’s a difference here. Eve was seeking a wisdom that wasn’t available to her. She could gain wisdom, the kind God gives to the humble. But she couldn’t attain the wisdom of equality with God. That was where Lucifer failed the first time, but even in his failures he didn’t learn that equality with God wasn’t something to grasped. So he tries to call others to share his belief, and somehow we foolishly latch onto the idea.

Is that what our main battle is over? We refer to it as a battle of sin, of life and death, or of good and evil (that’s what that tree’s name was, wasn’t it?)

Since the beginning of time we get this notion that we can attain wisdom to a greater degree than is humanly possible. We don’t expect to be the smartest or richest person on earth, but we think we can defy reality and overcome every obstacle on our own (without a God who walks with us).

Solomon said The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge. But wait, he says more…. but fools despise wisdom and instruction.

Are we being played the fool? We think we’re doing right. At least it feels right, or we want it to feel right. But we know better. We don’t ask for God’s wisdom but for a better option. But ‘better’ isn’t out there. We aren’t gods. We don’t have the ability to know like God knows. Fortunately God loves us so much that He comes down on our level, even though we turn against him time after time, He still offers His wisdom and guidance to our rebellious natures. He offers fruit far better than this world can offer, but too often we’re busy chasing after fruit we won’t find.