When you’re completely unaware

My senior year of high school was probably my laziest year of schooling. The original plan was to do an internship, but when the school wouldn’t let me do an internship that I was interested in for credit, I decided to take a couple of college courses instead, and the afternoons I didn’t have class, I would go to my made-up internship. Well the internship didn’t work out, so I had a lot of time in my afternoons. Before I knew it I was sleeping the day away. I honestly was thankful for the time. I always felt tired in school even though (unlike pretty much every teen my age) I went to sleep around 9 or 10 pm. I was tired at my college classes and always anxiously awaited for it to be done to find my bed again. Eventually my life revolved around sleep. Pretty lame, huh?

The thing was I didn’t realize that sleep was taking over my life. I didn’t realize that being that tired wasn’t normal. When my mom started to notice, she started wondering what was wrong with me. I just assumed it was normal. It was what I had grown used to, and I knew plenty of my friends who could sleep for a good amount of time.

But then things changed. I was so tired that it didn’t matter how early I went to bed I was still tired all day long. Everyday had to have a nap on top of my 10 hours at night, and my naps weren’t short naps but at least 2 hours long. Eventually anything that required energy from me was too much. Yet, still for some reason I didn’t see that this was abnormal. My mom was starting to schedule appointments with a nutritionist who gave me some exercise routines, and taught me how to eat properly. I worked hard at all the things she showed me, but I only got more tired. I remember going to doctor appointments and having tests done, all the while thinking- really, I’m just tired. Lots of my friends say they are tired too.

But the truth was as months passed I was so tired that I lost all energy to do anything. I would go shopping with my mom for the afternoon. An hour in I would get so tired that I couldn’t walk. Literally couldn’t walk. I remember going on outings with my boyfriend at the time and him accustomed to giving me piggy-back rides back to the car when I started to fall asleep. Mountain Dew had never been my favorite beverage but I learned to drink large glasses of it and often, coffee with espresso shots were a must and if those two things didn’t work there was always a can or two of an energy drink (which I didn’t even like). Looking back now, I know that wasn’t normal.

I remember all the warning signs that I was getting sick but since they gradually came in and took their place in my life I didn’t question them. But isn’t that what sin does? It’s sneaky. It crawls in when we have our defenses down, and Satan knows how to twist sin so that it doesn’t look so bad. The sin might be small at first, but it becomes such a frequent part of our life that we don’t even know it exists and is our closest companion.

We see it in the times we open our mouths to talk about that fellow co-worker. We vent our frustrations, someone listens, and then they agree with our assessments or our complaints. We find an excuse to gossip. We find that we make friends through gossip, we have a common bond with others when we can talk about that other person behind their back, and it makes us feel better about ourselves. Eventually we can’t imagine work without it. Lunch break without gossip would be boring, and there we have it- sin that sneaks in and we don’t even realize it’s impact.

Then there is the person who is just innocently using their computer, doing their usual browsing of the internet when a pop up flashes onto their screen. Come on, it’s right in front of you. That is pretty hard to ignore. But those things we don’t ignore the first time can eventually turn into a habit. Every time that pop up comes up, you click. It’s really not too difficult… it’s actually too easy. And that one click spins everything out of control. Who knew that one click would have such power?

Then there are those things we try to make excuses for. We claim they aren’t sins. They are hobbies. We just enjoy them. We love to shop. Sure it affects our bank accounts way more than we expect it to, but it’s nothing more than shopping, right?… We like watching tv/movies. It’s visually stimulating. You have to admit that. And it’s a nice way to pass the time. You’re bored. What’s there to do? Tv. Another movie. It’s an easy solution to the silence and boredom… And they say that reading is good, so you read but you prefer the romance novels. You have to take time for yourself, and that’s what you’re doing. When you read these books you get to escape the worries of life, and imagine what it could be. What’s so wrong with that?

It’s subtle.

Then it’s out of control.

Still we don’t even realize the elephant in the room.

But others sure do.

Like my mom- she knew that me being so tried wasn’t right for your typical teenage daughter. Those around you start to notice. Your co-workers know you are the gossip queen. You might be closer because of the conversations you’ve had, but they are afraid to tell you what they think of you. You call yourself a Christian, so they lump you into the same group as all those other hypocrites they know who go to church… The guy who clicks on those websites doesn’t realize how it will impact the girl he one day marries. He is thankful for her, but he can’t cut his habit. He says he loves her but she can’t imagine how that’s true when he can’t break his addiction… That person who shops all the time, might have a lot to show for it, but they don’t realize how it’s affected their family life, their family’s income, and how they have become so self-absorbed and obsessed with shopping. They can’t go a weekend without getting into something, and to get rid of their love just doesn’t seem fair… The person who watches too much tv/movies all day doesn’t realize that they have lost their entire social lives. Their family and friends have realized what they love more, and it’s not them. When they do take time to turn the tv off, they wonder where everyone went… And the pile of already read romance novels are gathering up dust as she adds another finished book to the pile. This might be an escape, a form of a vacation from a rough life, but she doesn’t realize that her husband’s pride has been shattered in the process. She has shown her disapproval of him increasingly more, and how he isn’t like the men she reads about. She wonders where’s the romance. He wants to be the man she wants, but no matter what, he can’t measure up.

It might be obvious to everyone else that there is a problem here, but it’s easy for us to just keep going and act like everything’s ok when it really isn’t.

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